Status Quo

I'm going to be honest, I'm pretty down in the dumps.  I'm sad and just when I think I can't be any more sad, I can.  My family is torn apart and Avery doesn't even get to see her brother.  Spencer is 2 weeks old today.  I hardly feel like I had a baby anymore and being pregnant seems like a very distant memory (any pain from the c-section is pretty much numbed from the emotional pain).  Spencer is my last baby, I won't have any more and I'm not getting to enjoy the very important first weeks of his life-then again, I'm always counting my blessings that he's here to turn 2 weeks.  My heart breaks for our little trooper, he's wanting to eat so bad-and can't until next Wednesday...then we're playing another waiting game to see how well he eats, how well his bowel handles the food, and then maybe we can take him home.  If there are any problems with him starting to eat again, he may remain in the hospital until he has his second surgery-which is honestly a thought I can't bare.  At minimum-if everything goes perfectly (which we know it hasn't for Spencer, so I'm really not counting on anything) he will be in the NICU for 2 more weeks.  Right now, we are desperately praying for feedings to go well and to be able to take him home for a little bit and have an out patient surgery.  If he has his surgery while he's still in the hospital, who knows how much longer he'll be in there.  Frankly, I'm so angry right now.  I cry everyday and feel like we're getting nowhere-each day is just maintaining status quo.  We're simply waiting for his antibiotics to be done so he can start eating.  

This will be the last post for awhile, unless anything major happens between now and him starting to eat.  I'm just so upset, I don't know what to say anymore, I don't know what to think or what to believe-other than I know I have an amazing son (my daughter is pretty awesome too).  I'll leave you with a few pictures and a desperate plea that we only get good news from here on out.  

I took this of Spencer today, he was able to be dressed for the first time last night-I even got to give him his bath (a first for me).  He was sleeping like this, so dramatic.

Artie took this the other night.  He loves sleeping on his side or on our chests.  Yesterday, he slept on my chest for 4 straight hours-we were both in heaven.  

This is Avery and her cousin, Garrett.  Chad and Jamie took Avery this past Saturday to get out and have some fun while Artie and I were at the hospital-she always has fun with this guy.

I wish I could smile like this right now-I'm saving it for when my family is all together.  In the meantime, I love seeing her smile (even if she does have food in her mouth).

This picture was taken the day before Spencer got sick again and the day before we thought we were bringing him home...Avery loved giving her brother kisses and I cannot wait until she can give him all the kisses he can handle.  His skin is no longer yellow, it's nice and pink like it should be.